Final Thing #15: Random Bits

Even More Random Than Usual

Today’s sponsor

Mel’s Discount Singage: Baners, posturs, and friers.

When you can’t afford the berry vest, think of Mell.


Dear Officer Krupke,

You’re really a dope.

This boy don’t need a nap, he needs some soap on a rope.



Tory Nadeau, weather girl

Cy Cohbabble, child psychiatrist


Sportsball Teams (and mascots)

Walla Walla Hummina-Humminas

Manhattan Martinis (Clinky Pete)

Ft. Lauderdale Ferns

Tacoma Turduckens (L’il Sweet Potato)

Mobile Rocket Surgeons (Errant Sparky)

Albany (no state specified) Abstractions (Emma Pathy)

Dallas-Ft. Worth Doublecrossers (Shifty)

Edmonton Elbow-Benders (Muggy)


Final Thing #13: Menu Items


Porn Flakes

Belgian Awfuls



Geek Yogurt

Mice Krispies

Appetizers and Side Dishes

Cram Chowder

Spit Pea Soup

French Flies

College Cheese

Potato Crypts

Seizure Salad

Mobster Bisque

Re-spiced Bean Fragmentitos



Fettucini Alfrodo

Shrimp Scanti

Rot Roast

Lightly-Inspected Pork Cutlers


Lemon Marine Pie

Lady Flingers

Crusty Mustard Custard Clusters


Final Thing #12: Jeffinitions


A vegetable that tastes as funny as it sounds.

Poker Chip

The only solid object that can slip through your fingers like water.


The larval form of the adult douchebag.


The act of clarifying another’s thinking.


1. What god allegedly opens when he closes a door.

2. The quickest way to the pavement.

3. A concept without which we would not have “defenestration,” which is a terrific word.


Well, *I* know what it means, so there’s no need for me to write it here.


Final Thing #9: Song Titles

Song Titles… From The Future!

When You See A Mime On Fire, Think Of Me

Life Is Just A Bowl Of Chilis

Gentle Breezes (Dancing Like A Chicken With Its Beak On Fire)

Deli, Deli, Deli, Deli, Death

Can’t Return My Love (Without A Receipt)

No Mo, No Les, No Bruce

Smiling On My Left Side, Crying On My Right Side (Is It Love Or Is It A Stroke?)


Final Thing #7: Numeromerology

Numeromerology, or Choose Your Own Horoscope, Brought to you by Slings & Arrows, Outrageous Fortune Tellers

Follow your dream. It was last sighted in western Montana, living under the name of Manuel Noriega. You are authorized to use whatever means are necessary.

You will speak truth to power. Power will not be impressed. Power will mock you. You will return to your home and eat ice cream.

You put your right foot in. You put your right foot out. You are not invited back to that church.

This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.
This is your brain or Mars.
This is your brain on a whim.
This is your brain on layaway.
Any questions?

The next time you say “next Thursday” when you mean “this Thursday” will be the last time.

You are not alone. Many people know how you feel. Because I put it on Twitter.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. When he closes a window, he opens a ventilation shaft. But the shaft has a laser alarm system, so you’re screwed unless you’re Tom Cruise.