and thanks for all the fish.
Final Thing #15: Random Bits
Even More Random Than Usual
Today’s sponsor
Mel’s Discount Singage: Baners, posturs, and friers.
When you can’t afford the berry vest, think of Mell.
Dear Officer Krupke,
You’re really a dope.
This boy don’t need a nap, he needs some soap on a rope.
Tory Nadeau, weather girl
Cy Cohbabble, child psychiatrist
Sportsball Teams (and mascots)
Walla Walla Hummina-Humminas
Manhattan Martinis (Clinky Pete)
Ft. Lauderdale Ferns
Tacoma Turduckens (L’il Sweet Potato)
Mobile Rocket Surgeons (Errant Sparky)
Albany (no state specified) Abstractions (Emma Pathy)
Dallas-Ft. Worth Doublecrossers (Shifty)
Edmonton Elbow-Benders (Muggy)
Final Thing #14: Nuevas Palabras
Also Known As Nouveaux Wordeaux
Caskette
Coffin for midgets, er, little people. Whatever.
Rude Cross
Organization that treats you poorly while taking your blood.
Boodoir
Room for intimate ghostery.
Therapistoff
Angry psychiatrist. See also therapistov: angry Russian psychiatrist.
Cowbuoy
Navigational aid for aquatic cattle.
Final Thing #13: Menu Items
Breakfast
Porn Flakes
Belgian Awfuls
Paincakes
Goatmeal
Geek Yogurt
Mice Krispies
Appetizers and Side Dishes
Cram Chowder
Spit Pea Soup
French Flies
College Cheese
Potato Crypts
Seizure Salad
Mobster Bisque
Re-spiced Bean Fragmentitos
Entrees
Fettucini Alfrodo
Shrimp Scanti
Rot Roast
Lightly-Inspected Pork Cutlers
Desserts
Lemon Marine Pie
Lady Flingers
Crusty Mustard Custard Clusters
Final Thing #12: Jeffinitions
Rutabega
A vegetable that tastes as funny as it sounds.
Poker Chip
The only solid object that can slip through your fingers like water.
Teenager
The larval form of the adult douchebag.
Interrupt
The act of clarifying another’s thinking.
Window
1. What god allegedly opens when he closes a door.
2. The quickest way to the pavement.
3. A concept without which we would not have “defenestration,” which is a terrific word.
Sophistry
Well, *I* know what it means, so there’s no need for me to write it here.
Final Thing #11: Birds
Recently Discovered Bird Species
Chester’s Lesser Pigeon
Fieldwit Sobbing Egret
Spindly Pre-Plucked Dinnerfowl
Pleasant Peasant Pheasant
Spicy Crouton Chokebird
Eggy-Bottomed Nothatch
Myna Keybird
Gassy-throated Dirigible Wobbler
Final Thing #10: Overheard in Recovery
“What can I get away with” is not a particularly healthy thought.
They said stick with what you know, so I kept screwing things up.
For me, “controlled drinking” meant I didn’t spill much.
Some of the voices in my head are still drunk, so I shouldn’t let them drive.
Final Thing #9: Song Titles
Song Titles… From The Future!
When You See A Mime On Fire, Think Of Me
Life Is Just A Bowl Of Chilis
Gentle Breezes (Dancing Like A Chicken With Its Beak On Fire)
Deli, Deli, Deli, Deli, Death
Can’t Return My Love (Without A Receipt)
No Mo, No Les, No Bruce
Smiling On My Left Side, Crying On My Right Side (Is It Love Or Is It A Stroke?)
Final Thing #8: Nuevas Palabras
Also known as Nouveaux Wordeaux
Bragriculture
Growing the best, and I mean the BEST, soybeans.
Analycyst
A doctor who specializes in the psychology of tumors.
Confanity
Speaking without swearing.
Merecle
A humdrum divine intervention.
Alligreator
An enormous crocodile.
Containher
The house where a kept woman lives.
Final Thing #7: Numeromerology
Numeromerology, or Choose Your Own Horoscope, Brought to you by Slings & Arrows, Outrageous Fortune Tellers
Follow your dream. It was last sighted in western Montana, living under the name of Manuel Noriega. You are authorized to use whatever means are necessary.
You will speak truth to power. Power will not be impressed. Power will mock you. You will return to your home and eat ice cream.
You put your right foot in. You put your right foot out. You are not invited back to that church.
This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.
This is your brain or Mars.
This is your brain on a whim.
This is your brain on layaway.
Any questions?
The next time you say “next Thursday” when you mean “this Thursday” will be the last time.
You are not alone. Many people know how you feel. Because I put it on Twitter.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. When he closes a window, he opens a ventilation shaft. But the shaft has a laser alarm system, so you’re screwed unless you’re Tom Cruise.
